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BREAKING NEWS

11/30/2016

"I get all the news I need on the weather report."--The Only Living Boy in New York, Simon&Garfunkel

I recently had the enjoyable opportunity to do another podcast with my pal Omar Cumberbatch on his website, Thewellnessultimatum.com.

The subject of our discussion was "Panic Attacks" and for the better part of an hour we talked about some of the simple, fun and effective tools for overcoming panic attacks, some of the same topics that I've talked about on this blog for over two years. Imagine a live radio broadcast of this blog.

Omar is a talk show host and Professional Health Coach who has helped thousands of people live a healthier, more balanced lifestyle. He does his research well and asks intelligent, probing questions.We told some funny stories, laughed a lot, shared some helpful ideas, and I couldn't believe how fast the time passed.

Omar created The Wellness Ultimatum, a widely listened to and highly respected website, to provide a real and accessible outlet to the latest trends and information on fitness, health and wellness and offers guidance on how to create a most balanced life, physically, spiritually and nutritionally. I always find something interesting and enjoyable on his show and believe that no matter what you're looking for, you'll find it worth listening to.

The Wellness Ultimatum offers regular podcasts on BlogTalkRadio.com covering a wide range of fascinating topics with interesting guests which, combined with Omar's interviewing skills, provide for enjoyable, informative and entertaining listening. Links to his sites are listed below.

I thoroughly enjoyed my time chatting with Omar and look forward to future talks on his show. And of course, The Wellness Ultimatum/BlogTalkRadio.com is on TheFearMonster's banned websites list.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thewellnessultimatum/2016/11/14/how-to-stop-panic-attacks-with-jeff-aronson
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-stop-panic-attacks/id958644535i=1000377863611&mt=2

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PUT IT OFF RIGHT NOW!

6/16/2016

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"Imagination only comes when you privilege the subconscious, when you make delay and procrastination work for you."--Hilary Mantel

Conventional wisdom says that procrastination is a bad idea. Remember how in school instructors always emphasized starting a paper or science project right now, don't put it off until the last minute. And for most of us our anxiety increased the longer we put off the assignment and the closer we got to the deadline.

But here's a radical idea. What if a little procrastination is a good thing that generates creativity and produces better outcomes? And with less anxiety. What a radical idea. So here's how it works.

Let's say we're preparing a presentation or writing a term paper. Some of us feel anxiety already building when the assignment is given and start work immediately, maybe even completing the project quickly and thus relieving the anxiety but not allowing time for original thought to develop. Adam Grant, PhD, who has studied the dynamics of success and productivity in the workplace, calls these people "precrastinators." At the opposite end of the timeline are true procrastinators who wait until the very last minute to start and are experiencing anxiety bordering on panic. Not surprisingly, the quality of the finished project isn't that great, having been dashed together without much thought or preparation.

Now here's where it gets interesting and "moderate" procrastination works. Think of the timeline as a bell curve, flat at the ends and sloping to a hump in the middle. The horizontal axis is time, the vertical is productivity or creativity. That time in the middle is spent thinking about our project, jotting down ideas that popped up (Post Its are one of the greatest inventions of the 20th century) as we go about our daily lives. It's where creativity happens. Studies have shown that there's another part of our brain that works on problem solving and generating ideas outside of our consciousness. It's how solutions to problems or new ideas come to us unexpectedly while hiking or in the middle of the night.

The result is better, more original thought and far less anxiety. "Moderate" procrastinators have reasonable anxiety but it's not crippling. I learned this working as an ad agency art director. An idea would always come, sometimes a little too close to the deadline but it came. It's the same way I write these blog posts. In fact, in my last post on dealing with ambiguity I said I didn't know what the next post would be but I wasn't worried. And sure enough, it just came to me one day.

So starting too soon doesn't allow time for ideas to germinate and develop. And putting the task off to the last minute only produces panic. When we stop overthinking a task and allow our unconscious mind to take over, great, original ideas burst forth, sometimes when least expected. Martin Luther King, waiting to give his speech on The March on Washington, was still jotting down notes and revisions to his speech sitting on the platform prior to speaking. Eleven minutes into the speech he added four words that changed the course of history. "I have a dream."

Adam Grant, PhD, describes how creative and innovative people, who he calls "originals," use procrastination and the willingness to take risks and fail to come up with new and successful ideas. He makes a very important point: "Originals fear not trying more than they fear failure." To learn more about mastering the art of procrastination, check him out on TED.com (On THEFEARMONSTER's Banned Websites list) "The surprising habits of original thinkers" for a fascinating, interesting and encouraging look at how creative people get their ideas. And don't put it off, DO IT NOW!

Next Time: Well, I don't know right now but I'll think of something. See you then.

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BEING OK WITH AMBIGUITY

6/1/2016

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"There's something happening here, what it is ain't exactly clear..." --Buffalo Springfield

"Doubtful or uncertain--having more than one possible meaning--not expressed or understood clearly--difficult to comprehend"

The above is the dictionary definition of ambiguity or ambiguousness. So let's look at how it can be a source of anxiety and, more importantly, how we can deal with it and keep the anxiety under control.

As humans we have a need to understand what's going on, why things happen and, as much as possible, what to expect. It's probably hard-wired into our brains and provides a sense of safety and security necessary for survival. Early man learned that certain events such as the seasons influenced when to hunt, plant crops. On the other hand a solar eclipse was a terrifying life-threatening event. As such, attempts to explain these happenings led to the rise in the belief in supernatural beings and even sacrifices to appease them and prevent future catastrophes.

Not knowing what to expect or why things happen can be a source of anxiety as it's what we don't see that scares us more than what we do see and we prefer certainty to uncertainty. Once we know what to expect we can plan to deal with it. Studies have shown that people would rather get a mild electrical shock now than possibly be shocked later and they show greater nervous-system activation waiting for an unpredictable shock or other unpleasant stimulus than for an expected one.

In an ambiguous or unpredictable situation if the brain cannot tell what is dangerous and what isn't, then anything can seem like a threat. It will always err on the side of caution, better safe than sorry. The distress created is one of the common sources of conspiracy theories, the need to understand and explain why things happen. Studies have shown that 50% of Americans believe in at least one conspiracy theory. A common thread in conspiracy believers is a feeling of lack of control over their lives. This need to understand what happened often leads to conclusions not connected in reality. Not surprisingly, conspiracy theories spring up during times of uncertainty and fear, financial crises and high-profile deaths.

So how do we learn to deal with life's uncertainties and the distress they can cause? As a therapist I often hear clients say "Why did this happen to me?", "If I could just understand...", or "It's not fair." One of mankind's age-old religious and philosophical dilemmas is why do bad things happen to good people? Or as Forrest Gump said, "Shit happens."

The Serenity Prayer is a brilliant piece of wisdom that applies in all areas of life. "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change"--doesn't mean we like it or approve of it, it's just what it is--"the courage to change the things I can"--putting our energy and efforts to where they'll be the most effective--"and the wisdom to know the difference." Let go the idea that things should be a certain way; who says they should? Be open to other possibilities or outcomes. Don't should on yourself.

Learn to accept ambiguity or uncertainty. This may be hard at first but rather than trying to escape the uncomfortable feeling, focus on the immediate present and learn that the distress is tolerable. Check out my blog post MINDFULNESS: ANXIETY ANTIDOTE, (8/2/15). Remember that anxiety is future-based, it's where the WhatIfMonster dwells.

Just do it! Feel the uncertainty and get on with your day. Once we get moving and distracted the anxiety usually decreases or goes away because what we focus on expands. At first this may feel uncomfortable but in time we get better at it.

Ambiguity and uncertainty are a part of life. Trying to control or escape them just doesn't work and can make things worse. Instead, practice accepting what we can't control and focus on what we can. Paradoxically, letting go control actual gives us control.

Next Time: Actually, I haven't decided what my next post is going to be, it's all pretty ambiguous and uncertain. But that's OK, I'll figure it out. See you then.

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YOUR PERSONAL BILL OF RGHTS

5/5/2016

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"Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights."--Bob Marley

We should all be familiar with The Bill of Rights which are the first ten amendments of The Constitution. And as humans we all have certain basic rights but unfortunately we have often forgotten them or as kids were never taught to believe in them. Becoming assertive requires recognizing that we have, just as much as anyone else, certain rights and exercising them. So here is a list of some of them. With a little thought you can add many more of your own to the list.

   YOUR PERSONAL BILL OF RIGHTS
1. I have the right to ask for what I want.
2. I have the right to say no to requests or demands I cannot meet.
3. I have the right to express my feelings, positive or negative.
4. I have the right to change my mind.
5. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
6. I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe or it violates my values.
8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.
9. I have the right to not be responsible for others' behavior, actions,feelings, or problems.
10. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
11. I have the right to be uniquely myself.
12. I have the right to feel scared and say "I'm afraid."
13. I have the right to say "I don't know."
14. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
15. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
16. I have the right to be in a nonabusive environment.
17. I have the right to change and grow.
18. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
19. I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE HAPPY!

Of the many handouts I give my clients this one is by far the most popular. Many photocopy it and stick it on their refrigerator, laminate it and carry it with them or post it in conspicuous places as a reminder to follow these guidelines. By taking time to read and reflect on it every day you will learn to accept and practice them yourself.

Next Time: BEING OK WITH AMBIGUITY

YOUR PERSONAL BILL OF RIGHTS is excerpted from The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne, PhD in the chapter on Asserting Yourself.

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ASSERTIVENESS JIUJITSU

4/18/2016

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"You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might find you get what you need."-- You Can't Always Get What You Want--The Rolling Stones

In my last post I talked about the importance of being assertive, emphasized that it's not aggression, and defined it as: 1) Asking for what we want, 2) Refusing what we don't want and, 3) Expressing our feelings or beliefs.

So now let's look at some simple and effective techniques for being assertive in a variety of situations we're likely to encounter. These are good skills to have as we often find ourselves in encounters that have gone on for a long time or sometimes we get totally blindsided and think afterwards what we should have done. We can't always anticipate situations that may come up but practicing strategies for future scenarios can be very helpful.

A good way to start is to write out a description of a problem situation that's currently occurring (or recurring) that calls for an assertive response on your part. Describe the situation as
detailed as possible, including the person involved, what happens, when and where it happens, what bothers you about the situation, how you normally tend to deal with it, your fears about possible consequences of being assertive, and lastly, your behavioral goal.

Then plan in detail how you'll handle it with a trial run in writing or actual rehearsal. This helps to feel more prepared and confident when you actually confront the situation in real life. (Remember how to get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice).

Even when acting assertively it's still likely to run into occasions where someone attempts to use manipulation to get what they want or put off your request by several means such as 1) changing the subject, 2) joking or making fun of your request, 3) trying to make you feel guilty (guilting), 4) asking why you asked for what you want or making you defend your position, 5) discounting or criticizing the legitimacy of your request. So here are a few proven techniques to counter manipulation.

The Broken Record This technique is simply stating what you want (or don't want) in a calm direct manner like a broken record (remember vinyl records?) as many times as necessary. This is especially effective when the other person tries to change the subject or take it in another direction. Just keep repeating what you want. "I'd like to return this jacket and would like my money back."

Fogging This works best when someone is being critical of you or giving so-called 'constructive criticism'. Rather than get defensive or attack back, you agree with part of the criticism (some of it's probably true) but not all of it. And you do it in a calm quiet tone of voice without being defensive or attacking back. Agreeing with someone throws them off as they don't expect it and have nothing to spar with. eg. Mom: "If you cut your hair it would be more stylish." You: "You could be right, shorter hair is in style now." Fogging is especially useful in situations where you want to minimize communication, don't want to listen to criticism or get drawn into a pointless argument.

Fogging techniques may seem unassertive and like giving in and going along with the other person. But the exact opposite is true. We don't have to 'win' the argument or convince the other person we're right and they're wrong. Sun Tzu in The Art of War defines victory as "the attainment of one's objective." So if what we want is a little peace and quiet and the way to get that is by using fogging, then that's a victory.

Refusing Guilt People will often use self-pity or guilting to manipulate us into doing what they want. Our request or refusal is met with tears or "poor me" to make us feel guilty.Why do people use it? Simple. Because it works as it exploits our genuine niceness and compassion. Here's what I say about guilting. It's a business transaction which has two things: a seller and a buyer. The seller is the person using guilt to manipulate us, the buyer is the person the seller is trying to manipulate. So, like buying a used car, we have to be smart consumers. We can take out our wallet and buy the guilt or recognize that's a lemon and keep our wallet in our pocket. The best strategy is to acknowledge the other person is upset and then stick to our position. "I know this is inconvenient for you but you'll have to make other arrangements for someone to watch your kids after school."

SET This last technique is also effective dealing with self-pity or guilting. It expresses support and empathy and, most importantly, sets clear boundaries with what we're willing to do or not do. S=Support, letting the other person know we are supportive and will help them any way we can within reason. E=Empathy (not sympathy). Expressing that we understand what they're thinking, feeling, where they're coming from. T=Truth. This is where we draw the line and set the boundaries. Here's an example. A co-worker is upset when we tell them we can no longer give them a ride to and from work. They play on our sympathy, maybe even play the guilt card to make us give in and change our mind. Our response: "Ron, I've always been there for you, helped you out when your car was repossessed (Support); I know this is hard for you, you're worried about how you'll make arrangements for getting to and from work (Empathy). But you are on a bus route that goes right to our office and there' a car pool list posted in the break room. So I can give you a ride 'til the end of the month and then you'll have to make other arrangements." (Truth) This is where we set the boundaries.

These aren't by any means all the assertiveness techniques but they're good ones that with a little practice and persistence can be helpful in not letting others manipulate and take advantage of us. One important thing to remember when we start being more assertive. The people around us may increase their efforts to manipulate us. That's only because what they've always done is no longer working. So don't become discouraged. It's a sign that what we're doing is working. So keep doing it!

Next Time: YOUR PERSONAL BILL OF RIGHTS

These great tools and others can be found in The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edward Bourne, PhD. And of course, it's on THEFEARMONSTER's Banned Book List.

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ASSERTIVENESS

3/14/2016

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"Just say 'No'."--Nancy Reagan

Let me make one thing perfectly clear. Assertiveness is not aggression! There, I was just being assertive. So what exactly is assertiveness, how is it different from aggression and why is it important?

In a nutshell assertiveness is three things: 1) Asking for what we want. 2) Refusing what we don't want. 3) Expressing our thoughts, feelings or beliefs. It's giving our needs priority in a way that's respectful to others but unlike aggression, it's not trampling over the rights of others. I call it a "healthy selfishness."

Being assertive requires self-awareness and knowing what we want (and what we don't want), the belief that we have the right to get our needs met. The same respect we'd give to anyone else. Acting assertively develops self-respect and self-worth.

When we're not assertive we don't get our needs met and get taken advantage of which can lead to anger, low self-esteem, self-criticism for not standing up for ourselves, and depression. Not being assertive also contributes to anxiety and, not surprisingly, highly anxious people worry about not pleasing everyone.

Sometimes the people we're closest to, family members or friends, are the hardest to be assertive with. It's easy to be assertive with the telemarketer who calls in the middle of dinner because we have no investment in a relationship with them and don't care if they like us or not. But with those we're close to we have more to lose by being assertive as they may become angry, resentful, retaliate, possibly causing tension in the relationship. But when we do things we don't want to do by being "people pleasers" it hurts us and our relationships. We can make the mistake of thinking that if we do what everyone else wants they'll like and respect us. But in fact the opposite is true. We may not always like people who are assertive (maybe because they don't take any BS from us) but we respect them. It's not easy at first but practicing assertive behavior actually brings increased respect from others.

So what are some other obstacles to being assertive? 1) Fear of conflict; most of us don't like conflict and want things to go smoothly so we let things go that we shouldn't. 2) Not wanting to be seen as unfriendly, demanding or uncooperative. We want to be nice people and helpful (we are nice people, by the way) so we hesitate to put our own needs first. We may also feel guilty for putting our own priorities first. This can be our own feelings or the other person "guilting" us to get what they want. 4) Sometimes we think we're being assertive when we're actually not. This is especially true refusing something. Rather than giving a clear straightforward "no" our response is waffling and maybe apologetic. Our body language also communicates how firm and clear we are. Facing the other person, maintaining good eye contact and speaking in a calm and firm tone of voice is important. When we don't do this the other person senses we're not firm and may increase pressure or use manipulation to get us to go along with what they want. Anyone who's ever bought a new car knows how persuasive the salesperson is with an answer for every objection we raise.

Lastly, our emotions. Because we're nice considerate people our emotions can get in the way. Rationally we know we're right being assertive but it can still feel uncomfortable. Don't let our emotional brain lead us into a decision that's not in our best interest. No matter how practiced we get being assertive (and we will get better) it will always feel a little bit uncomfortable and that's OK. It's just our humaness.

And when we assert ourselves, whether asking for or refusing something or expressing our beliefs or feelings, we can explain why (or not) but we're under no obligation to defend or justify our position. Otherwise, we can get manipulated into acting against our own best interests.

Remember, assertiveness is not aggression but rather an essential ingredient of personal integrity and self-care. Next time I'll talk about some and effective assertiveness techniques. See you then.

Next Time: ASSERTIVENESS JIUJITSU

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KNOWING WHAT TO FEAR

2/1/2016

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"What, me worry?"--Alfred E. Neuman

Deadly epidemics, airline crashes, terrorism, shark attacks, asteroid strikes, killer storms. How do we know what to worry about? In one of my first posts I described asking anxious clients how do they know what to worry about. And they answer that they don't, they worry about everything. Because what we want to do is know what to worry about, when to worry and how much time and energy to invest in it. And we don't do a very good job of it. We dwell on and overestimate the probability of almost impossibly unlikely events, worrying about mere possibilities while ignoring real probabilities.

For example. We agonized over Avian Flu which so far has killed no one in the U.S. yet we don't get vaccinated for the common flu which contributes to 36,000 American deaths every year. Or Mad Cow pathogen that might be (but almost certainly isn't) in our hamburger and less about cholesterol that contributes to heart disease that kills 700,000 of us annually. Here are a few more: 20% of all adults still smoke; 20 to 30 % of drivers and passengers don't use seat belts and two-thirds of us are overweight or obese. We cross the street against the light and rebuild hurricane-destroyed homes in the same spot. The bottom line is that in spite of the development of the human brain and intellectual function we're pretty bad at calculating real-world risks.So let's look briefly at why this is and, more importantly, what we can do about it.

In my post "Our Friend the Amygdala" (2/16/15) I described how the amygdala is the part of the brain that responds to immediate or perceived threat and then activates the body's defense system for flight or fright. It's task is the survival of the organism and it's always going to err on the side of caution, better safe than sorry.

However, the analytical part of our brain, the pre-frontal cortex, analyzes threat that unfolds more slowly and often comes to us through rumors or the news media (see Fearmongering, 6/23/14 & 7/7/14). Thus, we overthink or underthink the problem and this is where things get screwed up. The more pain or suffering anything causes, a shark attack for instance, the more we dread it, become more anxious about it and less precisely calculate the odds of it actually happening. In Fearmongering I talked about some of the catch phrases of Alarming Newspeak such as "it could happen here" or "it's only a matter of time" that the news media uses reporting on a possible threat.

So enough about what doesn't work and why and what we do wrong. Let's talk about what we can do differently that does work. First off, we have to step back and take a breath when we're confronted with a possible risk. Fear or threats, real and immediate, trigger an instant defensive survival response in the brain. The rattlesnake on the trail, deadly and immediate. There's no analyzing this, the brain reacts instantly and says "Get the hell out of here!" It's why we're still here four million years later.

If we stay in the emotional state our fear or anxiety is going to be amped up. Here's the hard part: We have to have one foot in the rational, critical thinking camp while the other foot is in the emotional, bouncing off the walls state. Simple but easier said than done.

Take a breath(s), literally, to get into a more calming state and then look at the hard facts. Where's the evidence, what's the likelihood, who says so? Much as most of us hate statistics, look at the data and check it out, remembering that data can be manipulated to support any point of view. More people die falling out of bed (1:2,000,000) than from snake bite (1:3,500,000).*

Bottom line is we need to know and understand where the real threats are so we can address them more effectively. Re-read my posts on Fearmongering. It's not just the media or the government who contribute to feeding our fears and anxieties, although they're probably the biggest culprits. So pay attention and think while maintaining an objective skepticism and then act. We'll all be better for it.

By the way, here are a few interesting odds for dying in various ways:*
Asteroid hitting Earth: 1:74,817,414--Terrorist attack: 1:10,000,000--Airliner crash: 1:20,000--
Lightning strike: 1:101,000--Shark attack:1:300,000,000--Chronic constipation: 1:2,215,900 (just had to throw that one in there)
*Depending on data sources

Next Time: ASSERTIVENESS

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BACK TO THE FUTURE: USING PAST SUCCESSES AGAIN

1/11/2016

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"The future ain't what it used to be."--Yogi Berra

There used to be an old radio show called "The Shadow." The Shadow was this crime-fighting character who, among his many traits, had "the power to cloud men's minds." The Shadow used this power for good, unlike THEFEARMONSTER who uses it to make us forget our ability to cope when our anxieties and fears seem so real, crippling and monstrous in size.

However, we've all had challenges and obstacles that we have overcome or pushed through in spite of our fears. Like going on a job interview, giving a presentation before a group, talking to a member of the opposite sex as a teen, learning to ride a bike or jumping off the high board into the pool. Fear is a bully that we overcome by facing it, avoiding it makes it stronger.

So here's a simple exercise to rediscover and apply some of the coping skills you've used successfully in the past:
1) Identify three fears or anxieties you've experienced in the past.
2) What did you do to cope with or continue to function in spite of the anxiety?
3) How do you know the coping tool(s) you used were successful, what was the outcome?
4) What other coping skills have you used in the past to help you face and overcome fear?
5) How can you use these skills again to help you with your current fears or anxieties?
6) Make a list of these skills, identifying as many as you can. You'll probably be surprised at how many you come up with.

There's a photo in my office of me as a young Marine officer in Vietnam. I keep it there because 1) I look cool and macho and 2) it's a reminder that if I can get through that experience I can probably face most anything that today or the future throws at me.

If something's worked in the past it's probably going to work again. It's when we quit doing what's working that things get off track. So stop doing what's not working and get back to doing what does work. See you next time.

Next Time: KNOWING WHAT TO FEAR

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STARVING FEAR

12/30/2015

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"Cave lupum."--"Beware of the wolf." (Latin)

An old Cherokee chief is teaching his grandson about life. "Grandson, there is a terrible battle between two wolves inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, fear, regret, worthlessness, guilt, self-doubt, and hopelessness. The other is good. It is joy, love, hope, humility, compassion, kindness, courage, strength and bravery." The boy thought about it and asked, "Grandfather, which wolf wins?" The grandfather quietly replied, "The one you feed."

One of the things that made the old horror movies so scary was that we never saw the monster. We heard it snorting and growling and tramping through the woods, saw its footprints in the mud. Or the not-too-bright hero climbing the creaking stairs in the haunted house, reaching for the doorknob and we're thinking, "Don't open the door, stupid!" And when he opens the door a bat flies out and our heart nearly stops. Then we laugh and breathe a sign of relief.

What we don't see scares us more than what we do see because our imagination takes over and this is where TheWhatIf Monster jumps in to feed our fear. The anticipation is usually worse than the event or, as we say, "the alarm is greater than the fire."

You want to take an acting class and eventually audition for a part in a play but are afraid you won't be good enough and make a fool of yourself and be too embarrassed to face your friends. So you don't do it. Well, I can't guarantee you'd get the part by taking the lessons and auditioning but what I can guarantee is that if you don't try you won't get it. So you get the same outcome either way.

So here's a tool for facing down our fears and TheWhatIf Monster. It's a simple exercise called "Analyze the Probability of a Feared Event." Here's how it works.
1. Pick a fear. Example: I've always wanted to learn to Tango but am afraid to take lessons. Usually when we identify a fear there's a bigger fear behind it and maybe another one behind that one. Kind of like those Russian dolls with several smaller ones inside. So the fear(s) is: taking lessons, not being able to learn the steps, feeling foolish and a failure, people will laugh at me. You get the idea.
2. On a scale of 1 (very unlikely) to 10 (inevitable), what's the possibility the feared outcome will actually happen?
3. What self-talk messages do you give yourself that feed the fear and make it grow? What are some positive messages you can give yourself that shrink the fear?
4. What are the very real consequences if the feared outcome did occur?
5. What is the worst possible real consequence if your fear actually happened? How bad would it be?
6. How would your life be affected if it actually happened? How would you cope or continue to function? I tease my clients about this one. "So you'd be so humiliated that you'd have to change your identity, have cosmetic surgery, move to another country and go into The Loser Protection Program?" This usually gets a laugh from them.
7. Lastly, what you can you do to control the outcome of the situation you fear?

When we break our fears down like this we usually see that the reality isn't as bad as we thought and maybe even groundless. And when we look at the fear objectively we can start to problem solve how we're going to handle the situation. This puts us in control, not the fear.

Remember that in the old horror movies what we didn't see scared us more than what we did see. And when we finally saw the monster it was just a guy in a rubber suit. See you next time.

Next Time: BACK TO THE FUTURE: USING PAST SUCCESSES AGAIN

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THE GRATEFUL HEAD--MINDFUL GRATITUDE

12/9/2015

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"Grateful people may recover faster from trauma."--Deborah Norville

In a recent post on mindfulness (8/19/15) I talked about how it's effective in managing anxiety. Simply put, it's being present in the moment, focusing on what's going on right now and breaking tasks down into small do-able pieces. And since anxiety is future based, practicing mindfulness keeps us in the present and the WhatIfMonster at bay and under control. It also reduces stress and makes us more efficient.

So now I'm going to add a really interesting wrinkle to mindfulness--gratitude--and explain how combining the two practices can help overcome trauma, depression, and anxiety as well as several other problems. And this is where it gets really interesting, we can reprogram the brain at a neuronal level, creating new brain cells that are positivity-oriented. Sound crazy, like sci-fi? Here's how it works.

Over the last few decades with the development of increasingly sophisticated technology, researchers have been able to study and gain exciting new knowledge of the brain's remarkable ability to adapt and change itself. It's called neuroplasticity. Norman Doidge, MD, in his book The Brain That Changes Itself, describes it as the brain's ability to restructure itself after training or practice; brain neural synapses and pathways are altered as an effect of environmental, behavioral and neural changes. It also allows neurons (nerve cells) in the brain to compensate for injury and disease and to adjust their activities in response to new situations or changes in their environment. His book is fascinating reading and very easy to understand (and of course it's on You-Know-Who's banned book list).

The brain learns from bad experiences better than good experiences. This is a survival mechanism that protects the organism. Stick a paper clip into an electrical outlet and you won't do it again. So the brain overfocuses on bad experiences and has a negativity bias. The brain or mind is shaped by what it repeatedly rests on. Remember what I said in one of my earliest posts, "What we focus on expands." And these harmful experiences are rapidly converted to neuropathways in the brain. Rick Hansen, PhD, who has done pioneering work in neuroplasticity puts it this way: "The brain has Velcro for bad experiences, Teflon for good."

Now at last is how gratitude comes into the picture: by being mindful of an experience, absorbing it in its totality, bodily and emotionally as well as mentally, and expressing gratitude at the same time. Notice the awareness of being all right right now, enrich and absorb it. Here's an example. I'm sitting by my pond listening to the falling water, watching a beautiful Arizona sunset (sunsets here are showstoppers, an incredible array of changing light and color--oh yeah, it's also December and the temperature is 76 degrees) while stroking my dogs. It's an almost meditative state as I absorb the beauty, calm, love and connection with my dogs.
And I'm so grateful to have this experience (and that I'm not in Buffalo, NY).

What's really interesting about this is that we can do the same thing while imagining a positive experience, whether it's a pleasant memory or pure fantasy, and feeling gratitude at the same time. The result is the same.

Remember in an earlier post I said that trauma creates new anxiety and depression-skewed brain cells and that these can be passed down through up to four generations. By practicing mindful gratitude, over time we actually produce more new positive brain cells that will dominate the negative ones and reduce or eliminate the anxiety or depression.

So here's a simple exercise: practice mindful gratitude six times a day for thirty seconds, only thirty seconds. You may be only able to do it for five at first and work up to thirty but that's OK. What we're doing is sensitizing the brain to positivity. So have a good experience, absorb and enrich it in all the senses. But don't take my word on this, try it yourself and see what happens. That's what I'm doing. See you next time.

Next Time: STARVING FEAR

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